Friday, April 16, 2010

Because every girl has had a post featuring 'Twilight'...

Hello my bloggie friends! Well, in case you’ve been wondering if I’d fallen off the face of the blogosphere (... and I’m assuming that you HAVE been wondering)... well I’d like to tell you that I had (and still kinda continue to have...) a very bad case of blogger’s block. Blame it on the office dearie, because internships have the awesome ability to suck the life out of you.

So what brings up this post? Well, because this Monday I was online, chatting with an old friend (yes, from back in those days when I had a slight remnant of a life...) and she couldn’t stop gushing over... the new ‘Eclipse’ trailer she’d seen...


...Uh Oh


... and I was hoping the whole ‘Twilght’ fiasco was finally buried after that insane hullaballoo around the ‘New Moon’ sequel. But of course I was wrong... there are two more disastrous movies and even more disastrous estrogen-filled squeals of “Edward Bite Me!!” (ummm... Excuse me?!) left...

OK, now with all due respect to all my sorority sisters who “lurvee” the series... seriously, WTF?! I mean I do not understand the whole hype... and I have read the series... yes, the ENTIRE freaking fur-and-fang saga... and I want my money back, NOW!

I mean what kind of a freak, self- centered and egotistic character is Bella Swan?! Obviously she is disinterested in all normal ‘human’ people who are extremely friendly and helpful to her on her first day of school and shrugs most of them off, because naturally she is attracted to the freaky golden- eyed “pretty boy” who treats her like a door mat... naturally. And then “pretty boy” turns out to be a vampire (“oh my”) who glitters” like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface” in all his manly glory when exposed to sunlight... its like, “Oh my, look I got my own personal human disco ball!” (YAY! ... not)...

Besides Robert Pattison is not hot... he’s just absurd. In every sense of the word. And that shirtless scene in the ‘New Moon’ trailer.... traumatizing.

(And if I may point out, who in their right mind describes a guy as “shatteringly beautiful”, “gorgeous” and “angelic”...??? Anymore of that and I would have turned homosexual.)

And obviously the vampire falls in love with the weirdo and watches her sleep every night... “Ooooh Edward, how romantic!!”... that’s not romantic, that’s plain creepy... call the cops.

And in a “tragic” twist, ’beautiful’, ‘angelic’ ice-cold, rock- solid vampire leaves our I-only-date-mythical-creatures-because-humans-are-so-passé damsel “for her own good”. So Miss Freak-Creature-Magnet finds a shoulder to cry on in the form of a werewolf... how clever. And obviously Mr. Ice Cold Rock has a competitor in Mr. 108 Degrees F. And for the record, Taylor Lautner is not hot either... and as (oh-so-awesome!) Lilu put it in one of her posts... he looks like a llama.


                                     (Courtesy Google... and yeah, the llama is cute) 

And she tediously keeps swinging between both men for the length and breadth of two books (...with special appearance from what seems like at Italian Vampire Mafia gang) before marrying the vamp. At 18. Yeah. And then ends up having freak honeymoon sex with him, during which process he bites off pillows, tears off bed-posts and bruises her black- and- blue... erm yeah, cute, romantic teenage saga all right.

But naturally Meyer wasn’t done with her freak show-and-tell... enter half-vamp-half-human-completely-satanic baby, which grows at the speed of light, tries to eat its way out of its mother’s womb, breaks her spine and causes her to crave for blood... which, by the way, she sips coolly like it’s Bloody Mary. Honestly, I think the book should be banned in public interest, because the whole description can totally put any female off pregnancy.

And then there’s glorified paedophilia, with Bella’s almost-but-never ex-boyfriend falling in love with her kid. Ouch.

I fail to grasp how absolutely anybody over the age of seven could like the book... oh, wait, when I was seven I liked Cinderella... which is two hundred times better because (a) it had pretty gowns (b) it had Prince Charming (yeah "Charming", not "Sparkling") and (c) it had good shoes .

It’s a wonder how a story which has the depth of a cereal bowl and the emotional range of an amoeba has managed to garner so much female adulation. Or maybe, there’s some mass ‘Twilight’ brainwashing being conducted somewhere and one day we will all fall victims to it .

(*Yikes*)






                                          (Courtesy www.webcomicoverlook.com)

Cheers!

PS: This post is courtesy Anurag Mohan... who suggested I blog about it when I kept ranting on the absurdity of the whole thing on Gtalk... So, you know whom to blame if you hate this piece *evil chuckle*

PPS: I know I used the word “freak” a lot... well, nothing describes it better.

PPPS: All you ‘Twilight’ crazy females... I have nothing against you. If you love the series, you surely (*hopefully*) must have your reasons for the same. But if you start fawning over the whole thing in front of me for too long or try to convince me why it totally should be my Bible for love... I may have to kill you.

8 comments:

Anurag Mohan said...

A million likes for this post. :-)

+1 - because it's coming from a girl.Ironically. :D

Krittika... said...

Hahaha... Thanks! :D

chefspeaks said...

I so agree with you guys on the series! Don't know what the hype is about myself!

Krittika said...

There you go Anurag, one more girl who doesn't get it :D...

Rohit Saha said...

The whole time i was reading this i kept smiling at the screen. The roomie thinks i am a retard.

Krittika said...

hehehe... but then, your roomie isn't completely wrong :P

kruthika said...

okay.......i love your post......i can see to what extent you loathe the "TWILIGHT" saga..i detest the motion pictures, but the books..am still in for it! and the reasons for liking Cinderella are...i guess leaves me speechless!

A.ksheta said...

umm....well the twilight saga is...um....too ridiculous for me as well but that is not really the point.....but i have one teensy weensy doubt.....does my opinion count along with other females or with the weirdos (you know people like us :|, after all humara kuch ho toh sakta nahi hai :D )? and btw i loved your post..well now that you have established that you don't particularly like the twilight saga i think you absolutely ought to check this link out http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/