I know it’s been a week since my last post, well I just had a pretty jam- packed schedule for the past few days... juggling the paparazzi, meetings with important foreign delegates... all this while trying to save the world... can be pretty tiresome for a nineteen year old.
Ok, not exactly...
Alright, alright... so I spent the past few days on the couch eating potato chips and black olives (yes, I have a weakness for black olives... no, that does not make me strange) while watching some weird sci-fi Josh Hartnett movie, in which aliens start taking over a school, on re-run. OK, I know it sounds idiotic, but it’s Josh Hartnett, why should I bother about the script (duh...). Bet you didn’t even know I was gone.
So, my Mom’s gone to Calcutta (I find “Kolkata” strange... and obviously you have tagged me as a wannabe British snob) for around fifteen days, which leaves the house to me and Dad. And since Dad is at office throughout the day, technically it leaves the house to me (which is why it is a miracle that the place has not been burned down to ashes already).
And, as most of my friends know, I know nothing about household chores. In fact, I’m so useless, you probably will not be able to differentiate me from a piece of furniture lying around the house, except that I breathe, eat and locomote. Thus, Mom was very apprehensive of leaving me alone, but I convinced her that she needed the vacation more than anybody I know (which is true, being a Mom is a tough job... especially if your kid is me).
Now that she’s gone, in order to survive the day I figured that I needed to learn some basic stuff... like how to turn on the burner (yeah, I’m that primitive). And of course the fact that I don’t like fire doesn’t help. Hell, I cannot even light a match (no exaggeration. Believe). Anyways, I managed to figure that one out, that too without burning myself. But I still decided to stick with the microwave (it is the greatest invention... ever), which obviously solved the greatest dilemma of my life...
How to make a cup of tea.
Being a compulsive tea- addict, I absolutely cannot function without it... of course the one I make is not as good as mom’s, but what more could I expect out of microwave and tea bags (the second greatest invention ever)... although I’m yet to figure out why it foams when I add milk, I have a feeling it’s not normal...
I have also learned how to survive on Maggi (chicken flavoured... strictly). Now, I’m probably one of those very few who absolutely hate the 2-minute wonder noodles, it does funny things to my stomach. But when you are starving and there is no generous, loving mother to cook up a wonder, you tend to like anything edible (by the way, I microwave Maggi too... don’t ask me how, and don’t try it... tastes like muck).
Also, I’m totally convinced that my vacuum cleaner is possessed... and the fact that it tried to eat up my Costing notes and my Superman T- shirt (yes, I have a Superman T- shirt...) proves the same. And yeah, the washing machine hates me... totally. I mean, why do they call it an IFB fully- automatic if there are so many manual adjustments? OK, to my credit, I managed the settings part pretty well... but what I obviously wasn’t forewarned about was the ‘separating your whites from your colours’ bit. So, I put in my red socks with my white pajamas... and voila! I am now the not-so-proud owner of a pair of bright pink pajamas that look like they belong to a grossly over-sized, seriously obese Barbie (why me? why me?!).
On a different note (or is it the same note...?!) we are definitely running out of frozen food, and since my culinary skills are restricted to muck- flavoured Maggi, Dad’s going to have to start cooking soon. Which is not all that bad a deal, I guess. I mean, alright, Dad can make really yummy food. Yummy as in full of oil and rich in spices. Of course, the taste buds love it, but it has the absolute capacity of speeding up your heart’s arterial blockages by twenty times. But that’s better than take-aways. Which makes me really want to point out that Domino’s desperately needs to re- vamp their menu... I probably could recite it by rote now. And by re-vamp I don’t mean introducing a stupid chocolate cake... it’s a pizza place, not a pastry shop. Irrelevant? I know.
So, basically that’s how my past week has been... a full- fledged war with household appliances and an appetite gone haywire. By the way, I’m straying from topic here (“what topic”, you say?) but I decided to let you all have an insight into the pure genius that I am. I was having this conversation with a friend... say ‘Mr. Mariner’... few hours back, and the fellow is pretty excited about this trip to Goa with his friends... which is natural, given he lives in a pseudo- concentration camp.
Mr. Mariner: What do I say to a nude girl on a beach in order to strike up a conversation?
Genius me: “I like what you are wearing”
Sheer genius. I’m the queen of pick- up lines. You don’t think it’s funny? Too bad, your sense of humour is just not as demented as ours... work on it.
And this is probably the point when you are banging your keyboard, frustrated that you cannot reach out and strangulate me... which is exactly why I love the virtual world. Honestly, I don’t even know why it’s a part of this post... well, I don’t even know why I’m publishing this post... maybe I’m nearing what they call compulsive blogger syndrome.
Anyhow, I’ll end it here (did I hear a ‘thank you’?) and continue with my ongoing battle for survival. Be back when I find more tripe (... did I just use the word tripe...?) to post on.
“C’ya... wouldn’t wanna be ya” *sing-song voice*
PS : I want Mommy!!!!!!